I was living with my head submerged underwater. It was a nightmare unfolding since birth, and the water only got deeper each year. I remember opening my eyes once and not being able to see a thing. Sometimes I couldn’t even breathe. I was too afraid to learn to swim because my life was always me drowning. Pressure was never my friend.
Twenty years later, I woke up and discovered I had found some buoyancy–that balance to keep my head above water and just float. I still hadn’t gotten the swing of kicking or paddling, but at least I could see the sun. Sometimes I lay my face against the surface to rest and forget to breathe, but I am getting better at being lost at sea.
I can see land somewhere ahead, but it’s only an island. I don’t need it anymore. I’ve found my comfort here amongst the little things that fill my day. Somehow I’m still alive, and being alive feels good. Maybe now what is keeping me afloat is the faith I had all along. Maybe it’s called ambition. Whatever it is, I do know that I’ve been dreaming more. Awakening doesn’t feel so bad once you’re in it and you know this time you have control.
Based off of my anxiety and this song that changed my outlook on life years ago: